I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
