Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
