Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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