i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
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Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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