trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
