He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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