I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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