don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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