And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
