I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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