But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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