jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
