Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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