god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
