On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
