You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
