He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
