About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
