I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
