I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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