do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I did not marry a roomba.
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