I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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