god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My penis needs a shock collar
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
