Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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