so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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