i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
