peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
