By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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