Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Randomize
