just tell him i said nine months
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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