Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
