I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
