I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
