Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
