Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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