Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.