the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.