Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
