Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
