filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
