I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
