Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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