so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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