Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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