im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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