he shaved USA in his pubs
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
