i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
