you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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