I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
