I faked an abortion last night.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
