she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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