guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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