its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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