I don't usually arrange sex via text message
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
