Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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