i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
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Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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