Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
