The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
